This Sucks....

I've found a new feeling, a feeling that I hate. I discovered it when I started thinking about all the wrong choices I've made over the years. All the promising relationships I've abandoned for stupid reasons. All of the responsibilities I've dodged to pursue something more fun.

It's like remorse mixed with regret, and a little shame sprinkled on top.

I've spent the majority of my life looking out for me. And only me. I've avoided or removed myself from situations when I thought something better might be around the corner. It usually wasn't beneficial to me, but I had the mindset of a greedy individual.

Many times this involved me excusing myself from a relationship. I thought I was some type of Alpha Male and I could find whatever I wanted. Usually this cost me a relationship that was already established, and probably better than any I'd find. But, I was stupid and ventured out any ways. A lot of people like to look back on past relationships and wonder about "what might have been."
I try to avoid doing that because I know that "what might have been" won't be because of my actions. But that doesn't mean I don't think back on those wasted chances and wish I'd acted differently. There are times when I'd like to try to get back what I had, but rematches are unlikely in this game.

For so long in my life I've had problems developing an emotional attachment to anything. Sometimes, I wish I could feel a need for someone like some of my friends do for their Missus or Mr's. As I've gotten older I've started to realize the value in connections such as this, which has caused me to look at my past with disdain and a slight disgust. I was always looking at how things would benefit me "now" and not in the long run.

It's time to grow up now. Time to establish myself. Need to gain some footing in the real world. Maybe then I can attempt to revisit and possibly repair my past mistakes.

Not getting my hopes up though. You only get a few chances to bat out of your league, and I might have used all of mine up.

This concludes my boring lesson for tonight....

Goodnight / Good Day / Go Away

-B-

"I'm letting you have shotgun, but 'cause it's 'cause only 'cause I'm going inside." -- Slater (Dazed & Confused)