This Sucks....

I've found a new feeling, a feeling that I hate. I discovered it when I started thinking about all the wrong choices I've made over the years. All the promising relationships I've abandoned for stupid reasons. All of the responsibilities I've dodged to pursue something more fun.

It's like remorse mixed with regret, and a little shame sprinkled on top.

I've spent the majority of my life looking out for me. And only me. I've avoided or removed myself from situations when I thought something better might be around the corner. It usually wasn't beneficial to me, but I had the mindset of a greedy individual.

Many times this involved me excusing myself from a relationship. I thought I was some type of Alpha Male and I could find whatever I wanted. Usually this cost me a relationship that was already established, and probably better than any I'd find. But, I was stupid and ventured out any ways. A lot of people like to look back on past relationships and wonder about "what might have been."
I try to avoid doing that because I know that "what might have been" won't be because of my actions. But that doesn't mean I don't think back on those wasted chances and wish I'd acted differently. There are times when I'd like to try to get back what I had, but rematches are unlikely in this game.

For so long in my life I've had problems developing an emotional attachment to anything. Sometimes, I wish I could feel a need for someone like some of my friends do for their Missus or Mr's. As I've gotten older I've started to realize the value in connections such as this, which has caused me to look at my past with disdain and a slight disgust. I was always looking at how things would benefit me "now" and not in the long run.

It's time to grow up now. Time to establish myself. Need to gain some footing in the real world. Maybe then I can attempt to revisit and possibly repair my past mistakes.

Not getting my hopes up though. You only get a few chances to bat out of your league, and I might have used all of mine up.

This concludes my boring lesson for tonight....

Goodnight / Good Day / Go Away

-B-

"I'm letting you have shotgun, but 'cause it's 'cause only 'cause I'm going inside." -- Slater (Dazed & Confused)

Solace.....

There are may things we may find comfort in. A favorite blanket, a fast car, a high powered rifle, or the embrace of your sweet thing.

Brain-fetish people, or psychologists, if thats what you want to call them; they'll tell you all kinds of different theories as to why you might find comfort in the item you prefer. Blanket = needing to be smothered in attention. Fast cars and nasty rifles = craving for Alpha Male Status. The embrace = co-dependency.

Screw all that.

I find comfort in all of those things. And there isn't any psychobabble crap about any of them. Unfortunately for you, I'm going to explain it all. In list form. Deal with it.

1. Favorite blanket: It brings me comfort because it's comfortable.

2. Fast Cars: I find a bit of a joining of body and mind with driving a vehicle at high speeds. Focus and reaction must be synchronized or you could die in a ball of fire. This excites and intimidates me a bit, but I feel alive while doing it.

3. High Powered Rifle: Being able to know I could turn a Pepsi can/ watermelon / propane tank into shrapnel.... with a slight squeeze of the finger. Ok, maybe this is a bit Alpha Male, but it is also awesome.

4.Honey-Bunch Huggin: I'm out of practice in this area, but from what I remember, it's not about co-dependency. It's about being like Friday's Gannon, or The Scarecrow's Mrs. King. They're your right hand(or your left hand for you crazy-handed people, I won't discriminate.) And the comfort isn't from a mutual need, it's from a common wanting, and knowing the wanting is mutual.

Ok, enough with my pseudo scientific crap.

There are a few things that always bring me comfort though. The little, red train blanket I've had since I was a tiny grunt, the Pac-man sheets I got a few years after that, Big Nasty & Brutus, and my custom "Largent" Seahawks jersey. I always try to have at least one of them near me or on me when I'm at home. Of course, I'd prefer to have a Sweet-thing or Honey-bunch on or near me, but I'll find happiness where it's available.

Even you probably have at least one thing you can look at or hold that makes you feel better. Don't worry about the science behind it. Just enjoy the warmth.

Once again, done for the day.

Goodnight / Good Day / Go Away.

-B-

"What?" -- That one guy....

The Spoon.... RIP.

So I made the mistake of clicking on the "Design" tab and selected something I liked, thinking it would be customizable and all that. Boy, was I wrong. While the new templates are somewhat customizable, and you still can switch back to an old template, the problem lies within the dense melon which resides a few inches above my shoulders. I wanted to try out one of the new templates, with an older background. No dice. So, I then tried to go back to the old template, with the aforementioned older background. I can get the pic in there, but my memory of HTML coding has become shady at best. I no longer possess the skills to make it a static image. Non scrolling. As in: the image stays, the rest moves. So for the time being; you, me, and the two other people who read this are just going to have to deal with this atrocious new page.

If anyone knows how I can make this happen, I'd appreciate it if you slapped me with some knowledge. Also, if anyone knows how to make my headphones louder, or my ears more sensitive, that too would be really, really cool.

Sorry if this wasn't an insightful, introspective, revealing, or bullying rant. I figured I'd join the masses and beg for a handout. In lieu of technical information, I also accept cash.

Goodnight / Good Day / Go Away.

-B-

"Is that a ten gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?" --Lily Von Schtupp

Age & Maturity: The Destroyers of Youthful Dreams....

I, like the rest of you 3 people that might read this, get older every day. Some say we get wiser each day we live. Some say we grow dumber, and more lazy with each day, because technology makes it so. I won't deny that I enjoy the ever-expanding lazy aspect of modern tech, but thats not what I'm wanting to drill into your mind with this writing excursion.

I would like to try something new. But first you must clear your mind of all opinions of your life now, so we can dig into your youthful aspirations. Are you ready? Are you sure? (This might get ugly...) Ok, here we go....

I want you to think back to when you were between the ages of 16 - 18. Did you want to get married? Did you want to produce small replicas of yourself? (AKA: Kids.) Did you think that money would be a deciding factor in either of the above? And, did you feel rushed to achieve any of the above?

Now, I want you to look at your life now. Have any of your feelings on the previously mentioned things changed? And if so, how?

If they have changed, and you are not where you imagined yourself back then, have you managed to find a silver lining on that cloud? Or are you bitter and angry?

Alright, I'm done with all the questions, and I'll get to the point.

I never wanted to get married. Never wanted kids. As I've gotten older, I've continuously thought about how messed up a kid would be if I was raising them. A quote I heard on TV that I felt related very much to me was something like: I fear that a child following my lead, would become horribly lost. I've always thought that way. But.... as I continue to age, and that awful, dreaded wisdom continues to creep in, I find myself relaxing a bit on the issue. Yes, I'd love to have someone to fall asleep next to, and wake up against every day. And, I'd probably get a kick out out of mowing the yard, painting the picket fence, barbecues on the weekends, cleaning the gutters, and all that nonsense. And as far as the kids go, my nieces and nephews love me, so maybe that's a sign.

Maybe it's just my aging, and deteriorating brain, or that fact that I'm finally growing up a bit, but, a physical, emotional, and mental feeling of attachment to someone is something that sounds really good.

My main thought right now is to just delete this all, and forget about it. But, I'm working on becoming a better writer, and to do that you have to speak your mind sometimes.

I'm done for tonight.
Goodnight / Good Morning / Go Away.

-B-

"What you call the disease, I call the remedy. And what you're calling the cause, I call the cure." --TMMB